2020: A Reflection On What I Learned

2020: A Reflection On What I Learned

by | Jan 3, 2021 | 2019-2020, 2021, Weekend Reflections

I’m not one for new year’s resolutions; it’s never been for me. But, with 2020 passing me by, I would like to reflect on what happened, the pain and pleasure, of the last 12 months. The tempting thing to do is to sigh and tally off complaints, but in the interest of growth, I want to take time to look at a few things I’ve learned this year and what that means for next.

I lost. And I learned to live without

We all lost things in 2020, some more than others, some less. For me and many others, we lost possession of the futures we thought we had. Early in the year, my plan was staged out in front of me, graduate, spend the summer working, and come fall move to New York to officially start my sound design career. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel: the grand theater on the other side. All I had to do was get there. Then the pandemic hit, and when I reached the end of that tunnel, all that was left was a flickering ghost light and an empty house. The house electrician was laid off.

Suddenly I was in Boston for another year, hunting for something, anything, else, and asking, “what now?” The career that had always been in the palm of my hand snapped away like so many others, and I had to move on. It took time, months, for me to come to terms with what I’d lost. But I came to realize that it was never mine in the first place. No matter how sure it was, that future was never mine to claim—an allowance of possibility. With that realization came solace and growth. You can never lose what was never yours in the first place. And as much as we’d like to believe it, the future, no matter how sure, is never ours. It took time, but I learned to live without theater and without that future. Maybe it will come later, but for the moment, I’m content to see what I can do with my time as it is right now.

I rediscovered my individuality and my adventure

Without my career, a social life, or even a gym, I had to get a bit creative. The summer became an exploration of old passions: hours of video games, photography walks, even a good month of yoga. Despite its chilling loneliness at first, all of this free time gave me a lot of time to remember myself. It was my first true alone time in as long as I can remember, and it was exactly what I needed. I rediscovered myself and all the things that had been overshadowed by the twenty-something career grind.

Eventually, my old passions gave way to new ones. I quite obsessively took up running in April and ran my first (virtual) marathon just a week ago. In tandem, another year in Boston meant I could finally explore the city in a way I never had time to before. I fell in love with it all over again and, in the process, fell in love with adventure. Long morning runs turned into chartings of the Charles River. Photography walks became forrays into the nooks and crannies of the city. All of this now boils up inside me, ready to explore wherever I can. Even in the heart of my Semester in Spain, I wasn’t as adventurous as I am now. So much of who I am writing this I owe to what I dug up in the midst of turmoil. I take these with me out of 2020 and hopefully to a more fulfilling new year.

I learned what it means to be truly supported

Along with my new self, I also take a host of friends, family, and loved ones, new and old, into 2021 with me. Despite our isolation, so much of the last year was filled with endless support from those around me. The little families and communities I found in this pandemic can’t be overlooked. Without them, I couldn’t have made it through. Because of them, I learned what it really feels like to be supported.

New Friday night Shabbat dinners with the roommates became a welcome source of good conversation, warm challah, and learning. Creative zoom calls filled with laughter, shared art, and puppetry shows brought me back together with old friends. Even the impromptu adventures with a partner, or the quiet support of family thousands of miles away, felt like a wash of endless community. The day-to-day interaction may be lost or awkward, but it forced us to be intentional and unconditional with the way we show our love and friendship. More than anything else, this is what I hope to hold onto from 2020 and grow into this year or next, pandemic or not.

What comes next

Nothing changed between December 31st and New Years Day; it’s just a day after all. There is still a pandemic, and there is heaps of work to do in all forms, that’s for sure. Even still, change happened, at least in me, through 2020—and that’s worth reflecting on. Despite its challenges, I can only hope to make the best of what I learned this year and take my growth with me into the new year. No resolutions, but another chance at change and growth.

Weekend Reflection #44

by | Jun 21, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections

What I’m Reading: Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

One of the first books recommended to me on my path of anti-racist activism. The book takes the form of a letter from Coates to his then 15-year-old son. More poetry than prose, Coates walks his son through his life, confronting a kind of fear and identity that his now teenaged son sees in himself through the murder of Trayvon Martin. It’s beautiful and bleak. How could it not be? I can never claim to understand the experiences and lessons of this book, but even its short window into this world has deeply affected the way I confront my own role and privilege. Though just a step, this has become one of the more vital pieces of my anti-racist education.

What I’m Reconciling: My Expectations

The reality of the future has never been more evident than during this pandemic. That may sound odd or counter to the confusion we are all experiencing, but that’s just it. The future has always been this way, unpredictable and unwieldy. We only see it for what it has always been. Pre-pandemic, the future we thought we knew was just a function of our expectations. We saw the lives we were racing towards, opportunities and lifestyles waiting for us to grab them. The confusion we now feel is us reconciling those expectations with the truth that none of those things were ever sure. Now we must adjust. Rather than cling to a career or lifestyle, we need to prepare to be open to change. The passing on this pandemic is not a return to normalcy. What we have learned about the nature of the future continues to be real with or without a virus. So we must adjust our mindset to prepare and be comfortable with change in all its forms. Expectations and rooted passions can unhinge us from that reality if we are not careful. The danger of the future is not the future itself but in how we confront it. Better to take what we can with open arms then deny the truth of what comes next.

Weekend Reflection #42

by | Jun 8, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections

What I’m Reading: Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu-Suzuki

I’m taking a little break from the west to expand my philosophical interest to the east. This book has repeatedly floated to the top of the list. In many ways, I find Suzuki’s messages to reflect much of what I’ve internalized in my reading of western philosophies. The book has forced me to take a more in-depth look at my meditation practices, which for all intents and purposes, is pretty sloppy. For those unfamiliar with eastern philosophy or Zen, I think this is a great place to start.

What I’m Commiting to: Active Anti-Racism

I will be the first to admit my exposure to black voices in America has been incredibly slim. But seeing and supporting the protests around the world has truly opened my eyes to how much more I have to learn and take part. There is a place for all of us in the fight for equity and justice. To that end, I am speaking up and educating myself however I can. If you’d like to join you can find valuable resources here: https://blacklivesmatter.carrd.co/

A Quote I’m Thinking About:

“I am convinced that people are much better off when their whole city is flourishing than when certain citizens prosper but the community has gone off course. When a man is doing well for himself but his country is falling to pieces he goes to pieces along with it…”

Pericles

You may say that the racial inequity of this country (and the world) has nothing to do with you. But it absolutely does. We are nothing without those around us. We have a duty to protect and stand up for those around us. What’s bad for the bee is bad for the hive.

Weekend Reflection #40

Weekend Reflection #40

by | May 25, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections

What I’m Enjoying: Reconnecting

I’m sure most people are having this experience right now. Trapped in our houses, without much contact, we are suddenly reconnecting with old friends, family, and past influences. I like (and hope) to think it’s less of a defensive response to loneliness than an active choice to reconnect with the things we find truly meaningful. For me, friendships have always come and gone, I’ve gotten used to the transience of relationships. But now, I find myself reaching out to old friends, best friends, and finding new ways to rekindle those relationships. Pre pandemic, I would have shuddered at the thought of breaking those barriers, but spending this time alone, exploring ourselves in a new way, I think we are all opening up more than we ever have. It’s kind of amazing to watch and participate in that.

What I’m Falling In Love With: My City

I’ve lived in Boston for the last four years. Two of them in my current apartment in Orient Heights. In all that time, I never took the opportunity to explore the city or even my neighborhood. I was always going somewhere with a “purpose” never just out for the sake of wandering. Before I leave Boston in the fall, I want to change that. Yesterday I went for a walk in my neighborhood and stumbled onto a beautiful field, surrounded by marsh, hidden away where I never thought to look. Even just this adventure made me fall in love with this city all over again. It’s more than enough to get me off my butt and out every day. I can’t wait to see what else I find.

What I’m Focusing On: Equanimity

If the Stoics had to boil down their ideal into one word, it would be “apatheia.” I know it sounds pretty close to apathetic, which is a bit misleading. I prefer to compare it to today’s definition of equanimity. That is, to find the composure of mind to not be swayed, or subverted by extreme passion, pain, or overwhelming emotion. The goal is not to cut off feeling, but to reach a state of mind and presence where we cannot be disturbed by them. Easier said than done. But in those moments of clarity, it’s easy to see how we can begin to accomplish this. Staying present, focusing on what we can control, temperance in the face of pleasure. In short, what we know the “right thing” is in our bones. If there’s one thing we can all focus on right now it’s finding that clarity, inching towards apatheia however we can. It doesn’t take extreme productivity, just a willingness to be present and a desire to confront yourself.

A Quote I’m Considering:

How much more damage anger and grief do than the things that cause them.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.18

Weekend Reflection #37

by | May 4, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections

What I’m Reading: A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles

I found this book by way of a fantastic interview with one of my favorite authors, Michael Lewis. This lockdown has taken a toll on just about all of my habits, not the least of which reading. So looking at this thick book, though not massive, is a bit daunting. But I trust the judgment of Lewis, and perhaps a big, long piece of fiction is precisely what I need to pull myself out of this rut. The book, of course, is all too timely. Count Alexander Illyich, under orders from the Bolshevik government, is ordered into house arrest in a hotel for the remainder of his life. The novel follows his time spent in the walls of his 5-star prison, learning and adapting to life inside 4 walls, something we have all become too familiar with these past few months.

What I’m Working Towards: A Lockdown Routine

This has been a long time coming. Frankly, I should have started a clear routine much much earlier. But, I convinced myself that between classes and graduation, I would wait it out and see what I could get away with. Now, I have no excuses to make. Today is day one of that new routine. And that means a few things. First of all, it means getting back into the personal learning routine. Cracking open books and papers to try and get back in the water professionally. Secondly, it means more writing. I took a bit of a break from the blog, the pandemic depression made writing feel a bit useless, but if I didn’t get back it now, I knew I never would. While I’m not sure how much will end up on the blog or what form it will take, I’m hoping to get back to writing a bit more every day. Finally, it means a big reign in on my free time. I’ve been very, very liberal with my relaxation these past few weeks.

To some extent, I deserved it, but the expense was more than I could afford. There will, of course, still be time for Animal Crossing and Netflix, but in a controlled and moderated environment. It’s going to take some time to properly transition, but the goal is a little bit every day. Hopefully, by the time things are safe again, I can be back at full capacity and ready to take on what comes next.

What I’m Coming to Terms With: Uncertainty

What comes next is a good question. A few things are brewing in the background, but nothing certain. That uncertainty has been an enormous drain, and I’m sure everyone is feeling some kind of existential dread about the future in their own way. The hard truth, of course, is that there is no real cure. Not a perfect one anyways. The reality of this pandemic is that we are all coming to terms with the real uncertainty that exists before us every day, lockdown, or no lockdown. The only difference now is that the odds didn’t play out in our favor. If this teaches us anything, its worth learning that we can only control so much. And, in a cruel twist, what we do have control over — our reactions — are the only panacea we have to that internal dread. Even then its not perfect. All we can do is manage our outlook and our reactions. The rest isn’t up to us. It’s a tough truth to come to term with but the cost of ignoring that fact is much much bigger than anything a pandemic ould throw at us.

Weekend Reflection #35

by | Apr 20, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections

What I’m Reading: Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

I completely forgot about this crazy, crazy book until passing it by on my Goodreads feed. I first read it back in high-school and never got around to picking up the sequel. For those who are unfamiliar, Palahniuk, who wrote Fight Club, and some more of my favorites, tends to write som pretty dark, twisted, but somehow enjoyable and meaningful novels. This one is no exception. Without giving away too much I’d best describe this book as a sort of Judy-Blume-Breakfast-Club in Hell. What seems like a fun commentary on hell and teenage-dom can actually reveal itself to pose some interesting questions about the nature of ego and our relation to death.

What I’m Doing for My Health: Going For Walks

Walks have always been a part of my routine. I tend to take the scenic route most places, take a long way home, skip the first train stop. So while it is something I do often, it’s always been a sort of natural part of my day, if not perhaps out of the way. So it was especially weird to go without that for the first few weeks of quarantine. Because walking had always been a thing I just did, I never had to make time for it or force myself to go out. Now, as the depression creeps up, I’m doing everything I can to make it a part of my day. I go out for 4 miles or so around sunset, maybe pop in an audiobook or just walk in silence and think. Its truly been liberating. Though the days are lacking motivation and I’m getting a little cranky, these walks have been a sort of equalizer for all of this craziness and it’s helped to keep some of the more dangerous demons at bay.

What I Need to Get Back To: Philosophy

It’s been tough to keep up with dense reading as my personal philosophy begins to wane with every day. Sometimes I’m tempted to dive back into hard-hitting topics or personal confrontations but find myself falling brain-dead pretty fast. So, to follow through, I am going to pick up my favorite Stoic text, Meditations, tomorrow. Hopefully, it will give me a new resurgence of energy. And yes, I know it sounds particularly desperate or perhaps even nerdy, but Marcus’ writing really does reach out to combat some of the very issues we are facing right now. And I think no matter the source, we could all use a kick in the ass about now. I recommend it to any of those who are even the slightest bit curious. At the very least to shake some of those misconceptions we all have about philosophy, particularly Stoicism.