by Owen | May 4, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
I found this book by way of a fantastic interview with one of my favorite authors, Michael Lewis. This lockdown has taken a toll on just about all of my habits, not the least of which reading. So looking at this thick book, though not massive, is a bit daunting. But I trust the judgment of Lewis, and perhaps a big, long piece of fiction is precisely what I need to pull myself out of this rut. The book, of course, is all too timely. Count Alexander Illyich, under orders from the Bolshevik government, is ordered into house arrest in a hotel for the remainder of his life. The novel follows his time spent in the walls of his 5-star prison, learning and adapting to life inside 4 walls, something we have all become too familiar with these past few months.
What I’m Working Towards: A Lockdown Routine
This has been a long time coming. Frankly, I should have started a clear routine much much earlier. But, I convinced myself that between classes and graduation, I would wait it out and see what I could get away with. Now, I have no excuses to make. Today is day one of that new routine. And that means a few things. First of all, it means getting back into the personal learning routine. Cracking open books and papers to try and get back in the water professionally. Secondly, it means more writing. I took a bit of a break from the blog, the pandemic depression made writing feel a bit useless, but if I didn’t get back it now, I knew I never would. While I’m not sure how much will end up on the blog or what form it will take, I’m hoping to get back to writing a bit more every day. Finally, it means a big reign in on my free time. I’ve been very, very liberal with my relaxation these past few weeks.
To some extent, I deserved it, but the expense was more than I could afford. There will, of course, still be time for Animal Crossing and Netflix, but in a controlled and moderated environment. It’s going to take some time to properly transition, but the goal is a little bit every day. Hopefully, by the time things are safe again, I can be back at full capacity and ready to take on what comes next.
What I’m Coming to Terms With: Uncertainty
What comes next is a good question. A few things are brewing in the background, but nothing certain. That uncertainty has been an enormous drain, and I’m sure everyone is feeling some kind of existential dread about the future in their own way. The hard truth, of course, is that there is no real cure. Not a perfect one anyways. The reality of this pandemic is that we are all coming to terms with the real uncertainty that exists before us every day, lockdown, or no lockdown. The only difference now is that the odds didn’t play out in our favor. If this teaches us anything, its worth learning that we can only control so much. And, in a cruel twist, what we do have control over — our reactions — are the only panacea we have to that internal dread. Even then its not perfect. All we can do is manage our outlook and our reactions. The rest isn’t up to us. It’s a tough truth to come to term with but the cost of ignoring that fact is much much bigger than anything a pandemic ould throw at us.
by Owen | Apr 20, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
What I’m Reading: Damned by Chuck Palahniuk
I completely forgot about this crazy, crazy book until passing it by on my Goodreads feed. I first read it back in high-school and never got around to picking up the sequel. For those who are unfamiliar, Palahniuk, who wrote Fight Club, and some more of my favorites, tends to write som pretty dark, twisted, but somehow enjoyable and meaningful novels. This one is no exception. Without giving away too much I’d best describe this book as a sort of Judy-Blume-Breakfast-Club in Hell. What seems like a fun commentary on hell and teenage-dom can actually reveal itself to pose some interesting questions about the nature of ego and our relation to death.
What I’m Doing for My Health: Going For Walks
Walks have always been a part of my routine. I tend to take the scenic route most places, take a long way home, skip the first train stop. So while it is something I do often, it’s always been a sort of natural part of my day, if not perhaps out of the way. So it was especially weird to go without that for the first few weeks of quarantine. Because walking had always been a thing I just did, I never had to make time for it or force myself to go out. Now, as the depression creeps up, I’m doing everything I can to make it a part of my day. I go out for 4 miles or so around sunset, maybe pop in an audiobook or just walk in silence and think. Its truly been liberating. Though the days are lacking motivation and I’m getting a little cranky, these walks have been a sort of equalizer for all of this craziness and it’s helped to keep some of the more dangerous demons at bay.
What I Need to Get Back To: Philosophy
It’s been tough to keep up with dense reading as my personal philosophy begins to wane with every day. Sometimes I’m tempted to dive back into hard-hitting topics or personal confrontations but find myself falling brain-dead pretty fast. So, to follow through, I am going to pick up my favorite Stoic text, Meditations, tomorrow. Hopefully, it will give me a new resurgence of energy. And yes, I know it sounds particularly desperate or perhaps even nerdy, but Marcus’ writing really does reach out to combat some of the very issues we are facing right now. And I think no matter the source, we could all use a kick in the ass about now. I recommend it to any of those who are even the slightest bit curious. At the very least to shake some of those misconceptions we all have about philosophy, particularly Stoicism.
by Owen | Apr 12, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
What I’m Working On: Staying Healthy (As Possible)
It’s incredibly easy to be unhealthy right now. My gym is closed and working out at home isn’t quite cutting it. So inevitably I’ve had to rely on tightening up on my nutrition. Food has always been a dangerous variable in my life. I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia for a long time. And while I’ve been able to cope, a crisis like this makes it very difficult to keep a clear head. There’s never an apparent fix to ED and dysmorphic disorders. I find journaling and daily runs/walks help a lot. But of course, the demon always comes creeping back to the mirror. The best we can do right now is try to keep a clear mind and be lenient with ourselves. Things won’t be the same, we will slip up, and that’s okay. It’s important to remember that this is just a moment in time. We will be able to get back to our routines and our “optimum” routines. Forgive yourself now so you can come back strong later. Do what you can, and be comfortable with change.
What I’m Struggling With: Focus
I can’t seem to focus on anything for longer than 20 minutes. Doing any kind of long-form work or activity is somehow out of reach. My work has plummeted, writing feels like a chore, and my reading habits are jumpy at best. I have a feeling everyone else is going through something similar. Somehow the only things that feel normal are things that I have put away until recently. Suddenly video games are providing the most comfort — the craziness of the outside world outmatches fantasy for once. Usually, I would chide myself for spending so much time playing games and watching TV but I’m not sure I can afford to be that hard on myself right now. I’d love to get a bit more writing done and be a bit more productive but I also don’t think I can afford to ask too much of myself. A little every day is the most we can ask of ourselves right now. Choose alive time when we can, and forgive ourselves if we need a moment to choose comfort.
A Quote I’m Thinking About
“I have learned to be a friend to myself Great improvement this indeed Such a one can never be said to be alone for know that he who is a friend to himself is a friend to all mankind”
Seneca The Younger
by Owen | Apr 5, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
What I’m Reading: Moneyball by Michael Lewis:
Every time I think I’m done with Lewis’ work I keep coming back. Worse. I keep putting other books down to pick up the next. My reading habits haven’t fared well during the shelter in place. I can’t seem to pick up new books or dense topics. Lewis’s work, however, has been a good anchor for my habit. It’s just the right balance of interesting and fun to keep me going (without going insane).
What I’m Struggling With: Liminal Time
We are all approaching the breaking point of this COVID-19 shutdown. Just about everyone I’ve talked to has started to go just a little bit stir-crazy and its picking up fast. The issue here, at least for me, seems to be all of the liminal time. I’ve never been particularly good at doing nothing. I tend to bounce from activity to activity and I always need to be doing something (something I’m working on), so these last few weeks have been particularly agonizing. For now, I’m doing my best to maintain habits as best I can and find activities that balance relaxation and work. I’m turning to philosophy where I can. Perhaps after all of this, we can all be a little more comfortable with downtime. We might all be better for it.
A Quote I’m Thinking About:
“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”
Marcus Aurelius – Meditations
This is particularly pressing for most college students right now. Any future (in the short term) we had prepared for is now as foggy as it’s ever been. Remember, we can’t predict or fear the future. All we can do its confront it with the tools we have, and do our best to come out the other side better than we went in.
This Weeks Posts:
by Owen | Mar 29, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
What I’m Re-Reading: What Makes Sammy Run? by Budd Schulberg
I’ve found it really difficult to get into new books this last week amongst being stuck at home and biding my time. So I’m returning to one to one of my favorites. This book has played through my head for months on end since I first read it at the end of last year. As I’ve already talked about it in a previous post, I won’t go into much detail. But I must say the second read is even more enlightening than the first.
What I’m Using this Time For: Learning
Given we are all spending a whole lot of time at home for the foreseeable future, I’ve decided to use this time to dedicate myself to learning. Every day I am picking some subjects or skills that I want to explore more. As for skills, I’m taking the time to spruce up on my guitar playing. Alternatively, I’m taking some free online courses in economics through Tyler Cowen and Alex Tabarrok’s Marginal Revolution University (you should also check out their blog, one of my daily reads). I’ve always had a passing interest in economics and now seems like a good a time as any to dive in. Even if these don’t serve a concrete purpose, I’m having a lot of fun exploring new ideas. Who knows what else that might spark.
What I’m Playing: Animal Crossing
Along with just about everyone else stuck at home. I’ve played the various iterations of Animal Crossing since I was a kid but I’ve never had this much fun before. The only danger is giving over too much of my useful time, no matter how fun.
Posts This Week:
by Owen | Mar 22, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
What I’m Reading: The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
Taleb, the former options trader, has been on my mind amidst the COVID-19 Epidemic. I first came across his work in Malcolm Gladwell’s New Yorker article dissecting his trading. Of course, his methodology and philosophy became a series of best-selling books, namely, The Black Swan. Ever the skeptic, Taleb breaks down what he believes is a fundamental flaw in the human cognitive process and that which he has based his life on. This is the Black Swan or the random unforeseen events that we seem to rationalize away and ignore in favor of the normal. By bringing to light problems such as confirmation bias and that narrative fallacy, he highlights how our blindness and unwillingness to accept the improbable can be catastrophic.
What I Failed to Do: Keep Posting
With everything shutting down and everyone spending more and more time at home I found myself less and less interested in trying to write. It took a while to pull myself out of this hole and this roundup is more or less how I’m trying to get back into it. I’m hoping next week I can get back in the habit and start putting out more words.
What I’m Looking Forward to: Road Tripping
Well not so much a road trip as a 4 day U-Haul move, but I’ll take it. I’ll spare you the details but the short version is that I’ll be spending the next few days driving a truckload of things across the country to Texas to wait out the COVID-19 pandemic and let things settle down. I’ve never been on any sort of cross-country road trip (that I can remember), so I’m excited to see how I’ll handle it.
