by Owen | May 18, 2020 | Uncategorized
What I’m Coming to Terms With: A New Plan
As the lockdown extends across the country our future plans begin to fray more and more. While We have all dealt with this in the short term, we are learning to let go of things far further ahead than we would have guessed. And in this mass rewriting of the future we are being forced into situations we never would have predicted, or worse, feared. For me, my plan has always been New York, Its where, at least for the time being, my career is pushing me towards. Pre-pandemic I had planned to make the jump in the early fall and hit the ground running. Now, of course, as the pandemic progresses, the ideal has shifted. Instead, I am faced with the risk of falling headfirst into a chaotic new life in the city or biding my time until things seem “safe” again. It’s a tough position to be in, but one a lot of us are facing, especially as college graduates. And while there is never an easy choice, we can all help ourselves by stepping back and realizing we never had any certainty in the first place and may never have it at all. It’s the hardest thing to do in life, become comfortable in uncertainty. But when we realize things will always be uncertain, we can take solace in the things we do have, and make the best of them. The answer is never in the future, but in how we address the present. A plan is never solid, but our outlook on the future can be.
An aphorism that’s been playing in my head:
Awards are best kept in the bottom drawer
by Owen | May 11, 2020 | Uncategorized
What I Accomplished: Graduating College
As I thought, it was anti-climactic. I did, however, think there would be more to say about it, and as much as I’m trying to come up with something worth saying I don’t really know what there is to say. I’ve never been especially fixated on big events or lifechanging moments. As far as I can tell I live in a kind of liminal place at all times which makes moments like this a little lackluster for me. Perhaps its something I’ve learned working in theater or maybe that’s just me. Or, maybe without a clear next phase in sight I simply haven’t registered any meaningful impact yet. In any case, I’m sure whatever is around the corner will be just as exciting.
My New Practice: Running
This is something I never expected to have a passion for. I absolutely hate running, or “hated” I suppose. In lieu of a gym and cardio equipment, I made the change to *shudder* running outdoors at the start of lockdown. A month in and suddenly I’ve found a passion for it. I’ve become one of those people obsessed with times and paces, measuring everything and every other annoying athletic habit you can think of. I’m sure this one is just a phase but for all intents and purposes its a good thing to get under my belt. I doubt It’ll ever become a lifelong obsession but who knows, at the very least its something to work towards right now.
by Owen | May 4, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
I found this book by way of a fantastic interview with one of my favorite authors, Michael Lewis. This lockdown has taken a toll on just about all of my habits, not the least of which reading. So looking at this thick book, though not massive, is a bit daunting. But I trust the judgment of Lewis, and perhaps a big, long piece of fiction is precisely what I need to pull myself out of this rut. The book, of course, is all too timely. Count Alexander Illyich, under orders from the Bolshevik government, is ordered into house arrest in a hotel for the remainder of his life. The novel follows his time spent in the walls of his 5-star prison, learning and adapting to life inside 4 walls, something we have all become too familiar with these past few months.
What I’m Working Towards: A Lockdown Routine
This has been a long time coming. Frankly, I should have started a clear routine much much earlier. But, I convinced myself that between classes and graduation, I would wait it out and see what I could get away with. Now, I have no excuses to make. Today is day one of that new routine. And that means a few things. First of all, it means getting back into the personal learning routine. Cracking open books and papers to try and get back in the water professionally. Secondly, it means more writing. I took a bit of a break from the blog, the pandemic depression made writing feel a bit useless, but if I didn’t get back it now, I knew I never would. While I’m not sure how much will end up on the blog or what form it will take, I’m hoping to get back to writing a bit more every day. Finally, it means a big reign in on my free time. I’ve been very, very liberal with my relaxation these past few weeks.
To some extent, I deserved it, but the expense was more than I could afford. There will, of course, still be time for Animal Crossing and Netflix, but in a controlled and moderated environment. It’s going to take some time to properly transition, but the goal is a little bit every day. Hopefully, by the time things are safe again, I can be back at full capacity and ready to take on what comes next.
What I’m Coming to Terms With: Uncertainty
What comes next is a good question. A few things are brewing in the background, but nothing certain. That uncertainty has been an enormous drain, and I’m sure everyone is feeling some kind of existential dread about the future in their own way. The hard truth, of course, is that there is no real cure. Not a perfect one anyways. The reality of this pandemic is that we are all coming to terms with the real uncertainty that exists before us every day, lockdown, or no lockdown. The only difference now is that the odds didn’t play out in our favor. If this teaches us anything, its worth learning that we can only control so much. And, in a cruel twist, what we do have control over — our reactions — are the only panacea we have to that internal dread. Even then its not perfect. All we can do is manage our outlook and our reactions. The rest isn’t up to us. It’s a tough truth to come to term with but the cost of ignoring that fact is much much bigger than anything a pandemic ould throw at us.
by Owen | Apr 27, 2020 | Uncategorized
What I’m Re-Reading: Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
Last week I promised myself I’d pick up this book again. And so I have, but this time around I’m trying to be more deliberate about my read through. I’m taking the emperor’s journals on my daily walks. Reading a section or two a day and putting it aside to think on its contents. I first read this stoic handbook a little less than a year ago. I picked it up mostly out of curiosity and a few recommendations. At the time I had no idea what Stoicism really was. I blazed through it on the 4-hour train ride from New York to Boston and stuffed it away with my other books. But over time the book kept sneaking up on me and Stoicism became more and more apparent as a personal philosophy. Eventually, I picked up Seneca and Epictetus and I was floored by its relevance. Reading it back now its a world of change. Things that seemed esoteric now seem absolutely vital to its importance. As Heraclitus says, and Aurelius quotes: “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”
What I’m Sprinting Towards: Graduation
It’s just around the corner. Although not physically graduating, I’m finished with my 4 years this coming Thursday. As with all hyped societal events it feels a little anti-climactic, but maybe that’s the pandemic’s fault. At this point, it feels more like dull anticipation, exciting, but muddled with “let’s just get this over with already.” While things aren’t exactly set in stone for the “after” everyone wants to know about, I’m not blind either. Its a little shaky but the future looks good or fun at the very least. That being said there’s only so many times I’m going to answer the question “what now?” in the next two weeks so get your tickets in now.
by Owen | Apr 20, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
What I’m Reading: Damned by Chuck Palahniuk
I completely forgot about this crazy, crazy book until passing it by on my Goodreads feed. I first read it back in high-school and never got around to picking up the sequel. For those who are unfamiliar, Palahniuk, who wrote Fight Club, and some more of my favorites, tends to write som pretty dark, twisted, but somehow enjoyable and meaningful novels. This one is no exception. Without giving away too much I’d best describe this book as a sort of Judy-Blume-Breakfast-Club in Hell. What seems like a fun commentary on hell and teenage-dom can actually reveal itself to pose some interesting questions about the nature of ego and our relation to death.
What I’m Doing for My Health: Going For Walks
Walks have always been a part of my routine. I tend to take the scenic route most places, take a long way home, skip the first train stop. So while it is something I do often, it’s always been a sort of natural part of my day, if not perhaps out of the way. So it was especially weird to go without that for the first few weeks of quarantine. Because walking had always been a thing I just did, I never had to make time for it or force myself to go out. Now, as the depression creeps up, I’m doing everything I can to make it a part of my day. I go out for 4 miles or so around sunset, maybe pop in an audiobook or just walk in silence and think. Its truly been liberating. Though the days are lacking motivation and I’m getting a little cranky, these walks have been a sort of equalizer for all of this craziness and it’s helped to keep some of the more dangerous demons at bay.
What I Need to Get Back To: Philosophy
It’s been tough to keep up with dense reading as my personal philosophy begins to wane with every day. Sometimes I’m tempted to dive back into hard-hitting topics or personal confrontations but find myself falling brain-dead pretty fast. So, to follow through, I am going to pick up my favorite Stoic text, Meditations, tomorrow. Hopefully, it will give me a new resurgence of energy. And yes, I know it sounds particularly desperate or perhaps even nerdy, but Marcus’ writing really does reach out to combat some of the very issues we are facing right now. And I think no matter the source, we could all use a kick in the ass about now. I recommend it to any of those who are even the slightest bit curious. At the very least to shake some of those misconceptions we all have about philosophy, particularly Stoicism.
