by Owen | May 25, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
What I’m Enjoying: Reconnecting
I’m sure most people are having this experience right now. Trapped in our houses, without much contact, we are suddenly reconnecting with old friends, family, and past influences. I like (and hope) to think it’s less of a defensive response to loneliness than an active choice to reconnect with the things we find truly meaningful. For me, friendships have always come and gone, I’ve gotten used to the transience of relationships. But now, I find myself reaching out to old friends, best friends, and finding new ways to rekindle those relationships. Pre pandemic, I would have shuddered at the thought of breaking those barriers, but spending this time alone, exploring ourselves in a new way, I think we are all opening up more than we ever have. It’s kind of amazing to watch and participate in that.
What I’m Falling In Love With: My City
I’ve lived in Boston for the last four years. Two of them in my current apartment in Orient Heights. In all that time, I never took the opportunity to explore the city or even my neighborhood. I was always going somewhere with a “purpose” never just out for the sake of wandering. Before I leave Boston in the fall, I want to change that. Yesterday I went for a walk in my neighborhood and stumbled onto a beautiful field, surrounded by marsh, hidden away where I never thought to look. Even just this adventure made me fall in love with this city all over again. It’s more than enough to get me off my butt and out every day. I can’t wait to see what else I find.
What I’m Focusing On: Equanimity
If the Stoics had to boil down their ideal into one word, it would be “apatheia.” I know it sounds pretty close to apathetic, which is a bit misleading. I prefer to compare it to today’s definition of equanimity. That is, to find the composure of mind to not be swayed, or subverted by extreme passion, pain, or overwhelming emotion. The goal is not to cut off feeling, but to reach a state of mind and presence where we cannot be disturbed by them. Easier said than done. But in those moments of clarity, it’s easy to see how we can begin to accomplish this. Staying present, focusing on what we can control, temperance in the face of pleasure. In short, what we know the “right thing” is in our bones. If there’s one thing we can all focus on right now it’s finding that clarity, inching towards apatheia however we can. It doesn’t take extreme productivity, just a willingness to be present and a desire to confront yourself.
A Quote I’m Considering:
How much more damage anger and grief do than the things that cause them.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.18
by Owen | May 18, 2020 | Uncategorized
What I’m Coming to Terms With: A New Plan
As the lockdown extends across the country our future plans begin to fray more and more. While We have all dealt with this in the short term, we are learning to let go of things far further ahead than we would have guessed. And in this mass rewriting of the future we are being forced into situations we never would have predicted, or worse, feared. For me, my plan has always been New York, Its where, at least for the time being, my career is pushing me towards. Pre-pandemic I had planned to make the jump in the early fall and hit the ground running. Now, of course, as the pandemic progresses, the ideal has shifted. Instead, I am faced with the risk of falling headfirst into a chaotic new life in the city or biding my time until things seem “safe” again. It’s a tough position to be in, but one a lot of us are facing, especially as college graduates. And while there is never an easy choice, we can all help ourselves by stepping back and realizing we never had any certainty in the first place and may never have it at all. It’s the hardest thing to do in life, become comfortable in uncertainty. But when we realize things will always be uncertain, we can take solace in the things we do have, and make the best of them. The answer is never in the future, but in how we address the present. A plan is never solid, but our outlook on the future can be.
An aphorism that’s been playing in my head:
Awards are best kept in the bottom drawer
by Owen | May 11, 2020 | Uncategorized
What I Accomplished: Graduating College
As I thought, it was anti-climactic. I did, however, think there would be more to say about it, and as much as I’m trying to come up with something worth saying I don’t really know what there is to say. I’ve never been especially fixated on big events or lifechanging moments. As far as I can tell I live in a kind of liminal place at all times which makes moments like this a little lackluster for me. Perhaps its something I’ve learned working in theater or maybe that’s just me. Or, maybe without a clear next phase in sight I simply haven’t registered any meaningful impact yet. In any case, I’m sure whatever is around the corner will be just as exciting.
My New Practice: Running
This is something I never expected to have a passion for. I absolutely hate running, or “hated” I suppose. In lieu of a gym and cardio equipment, I made the change to *shudder* running outdoors at the start of lockdown. A month in and suddenly I’ve found a passion for it. I’ve become one of those people obsessed with times and paces, measuring everything and every other annoying athletic habit you can think of. I’m sure this one is just a phase but for all intents and purposes its a good thing to get under my belt. I doubt It’ll ever become a lifelong obsession but who knows, at the very least its something to work towards right now.
by Owen | May 4, 2020 | 2019-2020, Weekend Reflections
I found this book by way of a fantastic interview with one of my favorite authors, Michael Lewis. This lockdown has taken a toll on just about all of my habits, not the least of which reading. So looking at this thick book, though not massive, is a bit daunting. But I trust the judgment of Lewis, and perhaps a big, long piece of fiction is precisely what I need to pull myself out of this rut. The book, of course, is all too timely. Count Alexander Illyich, under orders from the Bolshevik government, is ordered into house arrest in a hotel for the remainder of his life. The novel follows his time spent in the walls of his 5-star prison, learning and adapting to life inside 4 walls, something we have all become too familiar with these past few months.
What I’m Working Towards: A Lockdown Routine
This has been a long time coming. Frankly, I should have started a clear routine much much earlier. But, I convinced myself that between classes and graduation, I would wait it out and see what I could get away with. Now, I have no excuses to make. Today is day one of that new routine. And that means a few things. First of all, it means getting back into the personal learning routine. Cracking open books and papers to try and get back in the water professionally. Secondly, it means more writing. I took a bit of a break from the blog, the pandemic depression made writing feel a bit useless, but if I didn’t get back it now, I knew I never would. While I’m not sure how much will end up on the blog or what form it will take, I’m hoping to get back to writing a bit more every day. Finally, it means a big reign in on my free time. I’ve been very, very liberal with my relaxation these past few weeks.
To some extent, I deserved it, but the expense was more than I could afford. There will, of course, still be time for Animal Crossing and Netflix, but in a controlled and moderated environment. It’s going to take some time to properly transition, but the goal is a little bit every day. Hopefully, by the time things are safe again, I can be back at full capacity and ready to take on what comes next.
What I’m Coming to Terms With: Uncertainty
What comes next is a good question. A few things are brewing in the background, but nothing certain. That uncertainty has been an enormous drain, and I’m sure everyone is feeling some kind of existential dread about the future in their own way. The hard truth, of course, is that there is no real cure. Not a perfect one anyways. The reality of this pandemic is that we are all coming to terms with the real uncertainty that exists before us every day, lockdown, or no lockdown. The only difference now is that the odds didn’t play out in our favor. If this teaches us anything, its worth learning that we can only control so much. And, in a cruel twist, what we do have control over — our reactions — are the only panacea we have to that internal dread. Even then its not perfect. All we can do is manage our outlook and our reactions. The rest isn’t up to us. It’s a tough truth to come to term with but the cost of ignoring that fact is much much bigger than anything a pandemic ould throw at us.
